Here is a request I answered on a popular marketing forum. It’s from an e-book owner wanting help with his headline:

I have 3 headlines: Pre-head, sub head, and acutal headline. Do these headlines look okay? Any suggestions are appreciated.

Also, how does this title for a book sound:

“How to protect yourself, belongings, and loved ones from everyday malicious crimes”

The headlines I came up with are below:

Do you worry about crime?

Stop putting up with waking in the middle of the night wiping sweat off your forehead—worrying if you and your loved ones will be safe from crime…

“Here’s How You Can Quickly and Easily Get Access to survival Rules That Will Severely Decrease your chances of Becoming a Criminal’s NEXT victim…Without the unnecessary fluff

Ok, so that’s the original request. As you can see, he’s tried really hard to write benefit filled direct response style headlines… but they’re not “there yet”. Here’s my re-work of his suggested headlines, with some tips anyone can use to write attention grabbing openings.

Here is the advice I gave:

1. Lose the word “Rules” – try “Strategies”, “Tips”, “Plan”. “Rules” is too passive and implies that the reader will be restricted. On the other hand, “strategies”, “tips” and “plans” are great pro-active words that make the reader feel empowered!
2. “Severely Decrease” in this context seems to be an oxymoron – try “dramatically decrease” or “significantly decrease” – the decrease is a good thing!
3. Be more specific to your product… i.e. be specific about the crime – don’t say “criminal”, say “burglar” or “thief”, etc.
4. “…unnecessary fluff” – I think that line is unnecessary fluff!

Now for the re-worked headline:

He’ll break into your home – if you let him!(PICTURE: Use a photo of a serious-looking criminal… not a cartoon or caricature)
Expert’s Personal ‘Home-Safe Plan’ Repels Criminals in 7 Easy Steps
Chicago Security Guard gives you the power to escape malicious crime and avoid being another forgotten victim

As you can see – a huge difference. My rewritten headline is not only more powerful, it is less wordy and therefore, less confusing. This is the difference between amateur and professional copywriting. A professional knows which words to use, where and WHY.

If you’d like a professional writer to critique your copy, contact me via this website today!