A forum friend of mine was selling “vocabulary builder” software. After taking a look at his original copy (which was under-performing), it was obvious there were a few areas that needed to be worked on. We started with the bullets… and here is the result.

HERE ARE THE BULLETS BEFORE I RE-WROTE THEM:

Read on to discover the 7 unique strategies [the software] employs to build your vocabulary so you can:

• Boost your career
• Improve your communication
• Get better grades at school or college
• Command more respect and credibility
• Be more confident with words
• Sound articulate
• Improve you score in tests such as IQ tests, SAT, GMAT, and GRE
• Improve your writing
• Improve your spelling
• Express your ideas effectively
• Improve your reading and comprehension skills
• Improve opportunities for promotion and career progression

… AND THIS IS HOW THEY LOOK AFTER MY REWRITE:

You’ll easily build a powerful and impressive vocabulary that:

• improves your communication… no more feeling mis-understood or overlooked. When you say something, people will ‘get it’ without you having to explain yourself over and over again.
• improves your writing… now you can be sure to create the right impression with your emails and other written communication.
• grants you instant respect and credibility… once you know a few ‘power’ words, you’ll notice people start to pay attention to you… and begin to follow your lead.
• boosts your career… etc., etc.
• makes getting top grades at school or college EASY… etc., etc.
• grows your confidence with words and coversation… no more stuttering and fumbling for the right word. Make your point – boldly and clearly – without losing everyone’s interest!
• makes others notice how articulate you sound… etc., etc.
• makes getting great IQ tests, SAT, GMAT, and GRE test scores so much EASIER… etc., etc.
• improves your spelling…when your emails are full of spelling mistakes, people judge you as un-educated… and may even assume you have a low-IQ. Ultimate Vocabulary puts a stop to this common career mistake.
• equips you to easily express your ideas… etc., etc.
• improves your reading and comprehension skills… etc., etc.
• improves opportunities for promotion and career progression… etc., etc.

Obviously the “etc., etc.” needs to be completed by the site owner… but you get the idea.

Can you see how turning the bolded items from a boring passive voice into an active voice makes them so much stronger?

Three bonus tips for writing better bullets:

1. state the benefit… and then expand on what this means for your readers
2. write them in an active voice. There’s a subtle but powerful difference between “you can improve your writing” and “improves your writing”. The second bullet has less effort attached! People love FAST and EASY.
3. Put your most important bullets at the top… and a couple at the bottom… less important ones in the middle (think hourglass shape).